Current mood:

awake

I am ready for this
I am. I'm looking forward to it more and more. Nary is being supportive, but I think she is still a lttile worried. I'm not, though. I know, well... I'm not going to lose anything. I know I'll be alright. I want it so badly... I was scared I might have to say no. I'm so glad I don't.

I know things will change. But we'll be alright. I told Maria, too... she was so happy. I am still not sure what will happen with that. Nary, and Pig, they both put me on the spot, last week, when they ased me if I still love her. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't something I could even think about rationally for so long, that I still don't know how to sort it out now. I know I care for her. I know it isn't the same as I felt for her before, or as what I feel for Nary. I feel so terrible for everything I've put her through. She said I was only half a man. I know, it is true, but it still hurt to have her say that, and it hurts to see her upset too. And this Club, now. I have heard about them. there was even a thing in the news... She says she is sur, but I don't know if I believe her. And I feel like I am the reason she had to go to them. It is like with everything else. I know, i didn't do it. I didn't destroy the Torus. I didn't split all those Soldiers. I didn't *make* her decide to stay, or make her join that club. But still... I am part of the reason all of those things happened, and I can't just put it out of my head. I wish she didn't have to do it, but I can't tell her not to.

I upset emily too. I had wanted that to be a hapier reunion. I tried to explain things to her, but we got too hung up on other things. I told her about the soldiers. I know I shouldn't have. Not about the ones I killed, but I just wanted her to *understand*. She says that she wasn't hurt, but she has changed. I hope she'll be alright. I hope that she'll forgive me, or that she won't think less of me. She is going back home, with her boyfriend, because the raggies messed him up. I hope they'll be okay.

I'm excited, and nervous. And... I still don't know what to do, about telling other about this. I hope Horst has some ideas. We can't keep it to ourselves forever. I mean, we can explain about the soldiers, at least. I wonder what's happened to them.