Apo Rising

Today, I am tired and cranky. I have a few minutes between my classes though, so I thought I would try to sort some of this out.

I talked to Nary after I got home about Maria. She was really understanding about, well, everything. More than I would have though, about some things...

Fuck.

Thinking about maria, about everything I have put her through....And, yes, okay, even things that I am not really controlling but I know are still because of me.. I feel all twisted up inside about it. I don't know what I feel, or what I want. I know, I am worried about her. I really don't like the idea of her being in that club, and the more I think about it, the more it makes me upset. I don't want her to have to do that. I don't want her to be okay with it, either. It makes me angry. Not at her, though, or at least not just at her, but at them, and at me... And thenI... well, I'm just confused, because I feel guilty about it, like I should interfer, because I don't have any right to, or because if I am jealous ofher, or too protective, then it is something I am doing wrong to Nary. Even if that isn't true. I wish I could just be rational about things like this but I can't.

I had a dream, last night, about the two of them... It started out really sexy, but then everything changed, and they were both so mean, and there were all these other people, that I *didn't* know, and some I did, or thought I did and... I woke up, and I felt really really naseous, so I snuck off to the bathroom because I didn't want to talk about it. What is there to say? It was just a dream.

I hate this, I just want it to be done with. No more irrational guilt and paranoia. I just want to feel better, and whole again. And then, I can sort things out. I don't want to be just half a man.

...meh. I don't want to go to class. I just want to go back to bed and sleep.

I am. I'm looking forward to it more and more. Nary is being supportive, but I think she is still a lttile worried. I'm not, though. I know, well... I'm not going to lose anything. I know I'll be alright. I want it so badly... I was scared I might have to say no. I'm so glad I don't.

I know things will change. But we'll be alright. I told Maria, too... she was so happy. I am still not sure what will happen with that. Nary, and Pig, they both put me on the spot, last week, when they ased me if I still love her. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't something I could even think about rationally for so long, that I still don't know how to sort it out now. I know I care for her. I know it isn't the same as I felt for her before, or as what I feel for Nary. I feel so terrible for everything I've put her through. She said I was only half a man. I know, it is true, but it still hurt to have her say that, and it hurts to see her upset too. And this Club, now. I have heard about them. there was even a thing in the news... She says she is sur, but I don't know if I believe her. And I feel like I am the reason she had to go to them. It is like with everything else. I know, i didn't do it. I didn't destroy the Torus. I didn't split all those Soldiers. I didn't *make* her decide to stay, or make her join that club. But still... I am part of the reason all of those things happened, and I can't just put it out of my head. I wish she didn't have to do it, but I can't tell her not to.

I upset emily too. I had wanted that to be a hapier reunion. I tried to explain things to her, but we got too hung up on other things. I told her about the soldiers. I know I shouldn't have. Not about the ones I killed, but I just wanted her to *understand*. She says that she wasn't hurt, but she has changed. I hope she'll be alright. I hope that she'll forgive me, or that she won't think less of me. She is going back home, with her boyfriend, because the raggies messed him up. I hope they'll be okay.

I'm excited, and nervous. And... I still don't know what to do, about telling other about this. I hope Horst has some ideas. We can't keep it to ourselves forever. I mean, we can explain about the soldiers, at least. I wonder what's happened to them.

We were both home when everything hit the fan, but I wanted to find out what was happening. There was basically a lot of armed guards, and I could *hear* some fighting, but that's about it. I'm glad we still have those guns from the raid. We've just been sitting in the living room, mostly, half watching vids, waiting for *some* kind of news. I'm glad it was Sunday, and Nary was here. It's been quiet, but there are still soldiers everywhere, and I'm sure that there will only be more fightnig. At least we aren't defenseless.

At least with this all going on, other things are a little further from my mind.

Nary is upset over this choice I have. I am upset about it, still. She's been so distant, ever since we talking about it. It was hard to live with myself, knowing that I'd caused her to be so unhappy, and harder, because she woudn't talk to me, or even much look at me, or...anything. I was scared, really scared, that I was losing her, that it was too much, and that she would just walk away before I hurt her more.

We talked about it some. And we are both still upset.... but it is a hard thing to figure out. She feels like she has to suppoert me though this, in case it could help me, but she is afraid that I will leave her. I can't even think about it. I love her that much. She's my wife. I even took her name. How can I even think that something would change that? I can't conceive of it. But.... I don't know. I used to love Maria, didn't I? And that changed. And maybe it never was the same. I was already going to leave her... I already had, hadn't I? It still *feels* like it was someone else who made all those decisions.

I wish that how much I love her, how much I need her was enough. Enough that I wouldn't want this. That I wouldn't want to feel whole, or to be with Pig... I hadn't even thought about it, about the ethics, or, Jesus, even the *morality* of it. It scares me. But I *do* want it. I do. I feel, well, like I am being torn in half. Or, ha, maybe just quarters. I almost said 'yes' right on the spot, that is how much.

But I can't. I won't. Not without Nary. How can I fill one hole in me just by tearing out a new piece?

I'm going to talk to him again. And Nary is coming. I said that she could talk to him too, if she wanted, but she doesn't know what she would say. I told her she didn't have to, but she said she would come. I am scared that if she wasn't that I wouldn't be ale to *say* no. I feel like I am so horrible, like I don't deserve any of this. That I don't deserve *either* of these things, to have Nary, or Pig, let alone both.

She told me that she would love me forever, after we made up. It was so good to be with her again... even before we had... well, whatever, she was still hurt. But I wanted to say the same thing. I know, thouigh, that even if I *do* mean it, that it would only hurt her to say it, because she is afraid that it wouldn't be true. I don't want her to think I am lying to her. She fell asleep while I was holding her. And now, I just feel sick. At least I *do* have her though. If she were to pull away from me again, like before, God, I don't know if I could handle it.

I finally talked to Nary. I'm still having a hard time thinking about other things, but I went back to classes yesterday, at least. It;'s like, one thing will get stuck in my head and I can't thik about anything else. Sometimes, that's a good thing. At least, it is when I can control what it is I am thinking about.

I told her about Pig's offer. I think she is afraid that she would lose me. I don't know what would happen. Maybe I would be different. She is right - I need to know more. I can't let this consume me. But I woldn't do that to her. I *have* learned to live with this, at least somewhat.... Even if it is still hard (and harder now). But without her... would it be worth it? How can they ask me to pick?

I am suposed to go see Dr. Eberwein tonight to talk about what happened. That will be good. I really have no idea where to satrt, if I am supposed to let people know about this. I just don't know who I can trust, except for a few people. And like I told Nary, I am afraid what will come next. I still have so many questions... more now. I didn't ask about the shadows that I se, or the hunches. Maybe they wouldn't know, anyway. I did't ask about that kid, and his 'shadow people.... who knows, though, what's up with him. Maybe he is one of their experiments? Only, they say they didn't knotice us unitl Dr. Elkins started his research. But my attacks were before that, weren't they? I should ask Dr Eberwein. I hope we can get some of this sorted out.

I'm shocked, and a little anxious.  Tomoorw.  I'm glad...  just nervous, because I still don't know exactly what will happen.  And surprised, because the ban is still up.  It's kind of ironic, isn't it, that mine would be one of the flights approved?  Well.  I will make sure that nary gets lots of rest tonight, because I know I won't, and she will need it, I think.  It may be a lond day... or longer.  I have no idea how long it will be.  I sent a fib to school saying that I had to go away for a few days.  Hopefully that will cover it, and if not... I will worry about it then.  I hope it works.  I hope that we get them back, and...  That maybe I can feel less bad for all of this, and like maybe I can having something closer to a normal life.  Maybe.  And maybe I will get some answers, too...

I thik that we achieved what we'd intended.  However, I don't know if we'll ever know for sure.  Xavier is dead.  I don't know what happened to the other group, but I'm guessing it couldn't have been pretty.  I don't like to think about i.  I hope that whatever comes next is worth it.

I'm relieved that Nary is going to be alright.  She's sleeping now - we only got home a little while ago.  I was so worried about her, I couldn't think about anything else.  Thank God for Ocala, even if we owe them more now.  It is worth it.  Their doctor said she will be sore...  We didn't really have all the right kind of equipment around to fix her perfectly, but she'll be okay after a few days of rest.  I'll take care of her.

I want to ask her, though, if she saw him.  Apo.  I really don't know who or what he is anymore.  He did help.  But that doens't mean that I am alright with him.  I hope it was right to trust him for that one thing, to take care of that ship.  I'm sure that fight would have gone worse if it hadn't been for him too, and I don't know what to think of that.  I'm sure that he has his own agenda, and that he needs me for it.  Maybe I will never really see Pig again, maybe that is just a trick.  If I could still believe that he were really Apo, Apocatequil Carahanto, even, I could understand.  But I don't.  I don't know what happened to him.  He's gone. 

Or maybe everyone was right all along, and I am him, just these *things*, whatever they are, have fucked with my head so much I don't kow what to think.  And then what?  If that's true, how can I excuse the way I have treated people, and actted to them, and just cut them off from me...  I don't understand.  Either way, I feel like shit, because his life is fucked, and I am responsible, at least partly, either way.  I'm sorry, Apo.

And what now?  I knew that this would mess things up.  I will still get to go, I'm sure, into T-space.  but I don't know when, or nder what circumstances.  I guess we'll just wait.  Maybe it won't be so long.  I hope not.  I just want to be done with all of this, so I can start sorting out what *I* am going to do.  What *my* life is going to be like.  Really, as long as I still have Nary, that's all that is important.    I just need to do better at keeping her safe.

I told Nary that I wanted to go to the Christmas mass, and she said she'd come. I think she endured it without being too bored, at least. I think I saw Maria, but I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to go chasing after her, anyway.

I just gpot Nary a few small things. but I think she liked them. Right now, it seems like everything is going fine, but I'm still waiting for the bonb to drop, and I am trying to keep a little bit of saving, just in case... We went out to dinner with Raven and a guy she's been seeing a bit lately. She swears it is nothing serious, of course. I think she is just lonely with no one else in the flat, so she has found someone to shack up with her. Nothing wrong with that. He seems like a nice guy. I think Nary is dissapointed that it isn't Kwen, but she won't admit it.

I feel like I am perched on the summit of a very high mountain. There is a path, but I don't know where it is, and even if I can find it, it is very dangerous, and chances are that I will fal. Fail. It seems like there is going to be a lot expected from me in the next little while. The next month... the next few weeks. The thing with Xavier, to start with. I hope an pull off my part, that it all goes well, and that it won't hurt my chances for going out later with the Guildmaster, and Naos, and whoever. I have to talk to Nary about that. I haven't, I don't think. I wish I knew that it was I have to do. Is it just a matter of finding them? Do They know where Pig, and the others are? Can they take me there? What will they want from me? What if they are just messengers, like Cardias said. I'; afraid that I'm only going to have one chance for this, and that I'm going to fail. I'm afraid that whatever happens, that things won't be able to go on like they are now. Ny life is pretty good, right now. I have Nary. I have school, which is alright, even if it mostly seems like right now it is just a thing to fill in time. Maybe Nary will have more jobs for us to do. That would be alright too. I would like that. I just want to be with her. I don't want to learn anything that will make that not be possible, but latley I can't stop thinking about it.

I was glad to be with her at Christmas. I prayed, too, even though I don't know if God or Mary listen to me now. I prayed that I will find what I have to do. and that I can help Pig, and that he and the others are okay. And I prayed that Nary will be safe, and that I might be able to stay with her.

I told Naryy about that thing, and she seemed okay about it.  I thikn it will be fun to get ready for now too...  She said she would help too....  Well, I don't really like the idea of it, because I don't want to put her in any danger.  but then, I am dooing it, so how is that fair?  She didn't press it, though, so I just sort of let it go, and maybe she won't bring it up again.

I am worried about Em, still.  I am pretty sure she will be alright, eventually.  I know she is tough, and a stronge person, but I can only imagine what kind of shit the fucking raggies are gong to do to her.  I wish I could do smething to help her *now, but those asshole would probably just use anything as an excuse to be worse to her.  It makes me so pissed the way they are making her look, becuase it just isn't true!  Also, I am worried that they won't take care of her well.  I am worried that they won't get her ther medication or something.  I think they probably *have* to, really, but they are a bunch of rotten cunts, and there is no one that they are responsible to, so why should they?  Except that maybe if she dies in prison they can't use her to as an example.  Well, I will just pray that she is okay, and that eventually comes sooner than later.

It is funny, kind of, because this makes me want to do that thing more, even though I know that it is not something that she would ever ever approve of.

I think we are going to go stop and see raven when Nary gets home today, just to make sure *she* is okay, and not too lonely.

I'd sent Em a fib yesterday, so I could check up on her after I'd been away, and after I heard about that news report yesterday, but I haven't heard anything back. I hope she is okay, but I have kind of a bad feeling.

In other news, well, yesterday morning, I ran into Cavaillon. And I wonder if I should tell Nary. I should. I am still not really sure exactly what I'm getting myself into there, but it all *seems* to make sense. of course, I am talking about a crazy homeless guy... Still. I did say I would do something, didn't I? I just don't kow what Nary will think. I can't *not* tell her, though. But I'll be careful.

He said something about this being me 'ulfilling my destiny' too. And, he actually used my name, for once. At the time, it seemed just like almost just a throw-away comment.... but now that i think about it, it seems kind of sinister, doesn't it? Maybe it is all in my head. But what happens to someone after their destiny is fulfilled? Of course, I don't think that he really knows what is going on with me, not really, so how does he know? Probably all he meant was that this is how I am going to be useful to their movement. I hope... But what *will* happen to me after, if I can do this thing in T-Space?

ehh... off to class for now.

I meant to update this sooner, but sice I was gone longer than I expected, and I had more to catch up than I thought!

As dissapointed as I was initially that that Juppa (Sal something?) was with us. He saved our lives, no question. When that thing went off, though, whatever it was, I was just so worried about nary - she was right there - that I couldn't think about much else. And I guess there realy wasn't time. Still, I managed to get us well clear of the pirates before they could catch us or disable us. I didn't panick then at al. I just had to what was needed. adn really, in a ship like the Equinox, it isn't that *hard*, anyway. She is a nice little ship! But not pirate prey, heh.

We took sal to Carpathia. I hope that Nary won't get in trouble for it, but she seems confident that it will be okay. I took a look at the device too, just so that if we ever run into something similar, I might recognize it. I wonder if there is some way to scan for them? Probably nothing standard, but we'll see. Anyway, the triop back was more of what I was loking forward too... just being together, alone, with no other worries. It was just about perfect... except we had to come back! Still, I feel so much more relaxed now. Flying, and the time alone... I just feel so much less uptight!

School today was alright too, if a little hectic. I guess I have a project that is due next Wednesday, that I only heard about today. Ahh well. I guess I will have very full weekend! It was very worth it.

Nary's boss is sending her on a mission next week, and I am going with her. I am looking forward to it more than anything. It will be chance to get away from everything, to spend lots of time alone together, and even to fly. I am sure she will let me. Even if it will be a little dangerous, I don't care. I really want to get away from things here for a bit, and this will be perfect. I will just try to forget about it all.

Helen is avoiding me at school. It is probably really awkward for her too. I wish i had something to tell her, but really, I can't think of ay good lies, and if I tell her the truth, it isn't likely to fix anything. So far, though, I don't think that she has said anything to anyone else. Maybe she won't...

I don't know. I don't really know anyone there very well, but some of them seem really nice. On the other hand, maybe after this term, I won't be going back anyway, and it won't matter. We are almost there. I still haven't heard anything from the Raggies, but I have been trying to put money away and not spending very much. That is going to be hard though, for Christmas. I hope I am still here then, and that everything is fine...

I talked to Dr. Menderes this morning. She thinks this is very wonderful, and all... I don't know, I am so wary about it. She asked me if I understood how important this is... well, to who? It is very overwhelming to be part of this. I want to make up for the things that I have caused, but more than anything, I just want to be normal, and the more this goes on, the harder it is for me to think that I can ever even pretend that is true. And this is one reason I am so much looking forward to going away with Nary.

Anyway, she said that I should talk to the Guildmaster. of course, that would make sense. i don't now though i don't know if any of them are goign to be able to do anything for me. ButI will try. At leaast, she said she will explain things to him. I guess that I am glad not to have to explain it again myself. It just sounds so *crazy*. Even if I know it isn't, it makes me feel self-conscious. And then, anyone who believes it so eaisly, is it wrong for me to be a little sceptical of them? I wonder what she will tell him exachlt. Meh.

The other thing that Dr. Menderes asked was who I would want to go with me. And right off, I said Nary. She is always so supportive of me. But now, I realize how dangerous it would be for anyone who was with me. I don't want her to get hurt. And it also emans that if I do this...whatever I am going to do (and it would be good to figure that out first, maybe :p), I should do it, as much as I can, alone. I though originally that maybe I could just wait until Austronesia tried to send me away, if nothing else... but I don't want to see anyone else hurt either. Not again. Not if I can help it.

...I really need to get away from all of this, even if it is just a few days.

( Long and rambling )

I don't think I will ever think of this as a thing to be celebrated. I really am looking forward to having more of my own life to think about, in the present and future senses. I just hope that it doesn't all go back to hell from here. I am trying to think only of the good things that have come from al of this, and the good things that are in my future. like Nary, and how much we love each other.

At least there is some good news that nary told me before this all came out. I guess her found out where her parents might be... Of course, it is this prson colony or something in Nova Carpathia. But it is something. Also, he wants her to fix up the Equinox, so that she can use it to get supplies for the resistance. Maybe I can help her with that. I would worry if she were doing it all alone. I really need to have something to *do* now. If there is one more thing like this, that I have to do, that I am powerless to help with right now, I think I will just break.

I am in a very dark, foul mood right now. I am angry, and I am glad, because otherwise I thnk I would sink back into the blackness that I only recently got somewhat free of.

Everything at the Center is fucked. Dr Eberwein is afraid that if Austronesia learns about what happened when we did those test that.. well, he could lose control of things at the very least. I am afraid of what they would do if they knew about the... I don't know what I shoudl call them. The Beings. He has been working only at night, and alone, and I think he is going to break if he keeps doing this. I want to help, because I want to know too what is going on, and because I don't like to see him like this. But I don't know what he can even find now, without more information. I said I would help but I don't even know how... I guess I should be happy that Dr. Eberwein doesn't *really* think that I can know the future.

And it is not on,y that I am not gogn to have any answers, because of them. I guess I was being too positive, or maybe I hoped that they would just leave things the same way as before. But no. I am not going to have my visa to stay here, and I haven't been here long enough to count, under their rules, either. They might even try to send me back to Andinia. And even if I am pretty sure that is not going to happen, I am not absoluetly sure,. I mean, if I think I will be here after they leave, that doesn't mean I will be here the whole time. It is like that thing with Nary's boss.

It just feels like suddenly, I am loosing everything. I have school for this term, but term will be over soon, and then what? I will sill have no license, and no visa to stay, if I am not a student...

And then on top of this, I have to send a fib to the twins' family. What do I even say?

I have work I am supposed to be doing for school but I can't get this out of my head to even think on it a little. I keep staing at things in English and it all just looks like gibberish.

It makes me so angry, and frustrated. I will have to do sometihing, to get more involved with the resistance. As long as they don't send me away before I have a chance. It is just one more thing I have to fight. It is all becoming almost too much.

Today, I decided that I am going to only focus on the things I have that I like! As a result, I am in a pretty good mood. I will see if I can keep this up.

It doesn't hurt that today I got back an assignment from Astrogation that I'd forgotten all about with everything else going on. Considering how everyone else is groaning about it, I am pretty sure that I got one of the highest marks in the class! I am also pretty sure that Jonah failed. Ha!

I decided I would come home early (shame on me skipping a class.... whatever! Today, I really don't care!), and I would raid the garden and make something really nice for dinner for all three of the girls. I think it went over pretty well, too, and then we just all sat around and talked and stuff together for a bit. it was really nice.

Nary is in the shower now, since I dragged her over here before she went home to change, and I don't know what we are going to do for the rest of the evening, but I bet it will be fun!

I have also decided that since we both started back to school (and maybe even really since I got married, hmmm), I haven't been spending enough time with Emily. So, I told her since she snuck me in to the academy gym a few times, I would take her to the Eyrie gym, and show her the differential gravity training stuff, which she seemed ot think was really interesting. I hope she doesn't break anything, heh!

But that is for later. For the moment, I will sit here and think about my sexy wife getting all soapy and clean in the shower....mmmm.....Nary...

I have been thinking about things, trying to get myself straightened out. It's really hard. I can't separate the issues well enough to deal with them individually, and it is really overwhelming. I'll try though.

The feeling, of being whole, or maybe even more than hole, going in was so distressing that I thought I was going to be sick, but it passed quickly, thankfully. I still think about it, though.

Everything we saw, and that happened, on the Carpathian trip make me think that I am not so crazy. That I *don't* belong here. That I am a copy, and that I come from somewhere else. This is hard to take, this absoluteconfirmation. But how can anyone deny it now? It isn't just me, or the others, sharing in some mass delusion. The others, the ones who aren't holetouched, they felt it to. I know Nary did, when I touched the 'other'. What does that mean, now, though? What will they convince themselves of at the center? And what does it mean about what I see in my 'episodes'?

And the creatures... I knew there was something out there, and now I've seen them. But what are they? How do they relate? Are they somehow involed in our condition, or are they just coincidental co-inhabitants of whatever world we can see in to there? Are they the *only* other inhabitants? Do they only exist in that same world that the doubles do? They didn't seem to take note of them on the screens, though. I don't know. They were interested in the particles (though Dr. Eberwein wouldn't tell me in any more detail) that they were releasing. I will have to find out more. They were pretty, but eerie. I have so many questions now...

And then, when we came out, I felt that something was off. I guess... probably it was Austronesia? I am not sure though, because, like I said before, things are still nt settled, and everything is so stressful right now.

The thought of having contact with Earth scares me. I don't want to explain. I feel so responsible for things. So many people now will have their hopes crushed for sure, who may have thought that their people were safe, on the other side. Like Pig's mother, his friends and family. I have taken so much away from them, and even if I am looking for answers, I can't make sense of them.

It is just too much to take all at once, an on top of it, I don't know what will happen to anyone on the colony, now that Austronesia is here.



I just wish that I had *some* answers, that everything I tried to find out didn't just lead to more questions, or that everything I tried to do just didn't wind-up making things worse somehow. I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do, but there isn't.

I have tried explaining some of this to Nary. I don't know if she understands or not. I think that she is mostly happy that even if this is really getting to me right now, I don't seem so hopeless as before. I can't, though. I feel like something is expected of me, and I can't stand to think of failing. I just need to find some direction, or I'm afraid that I will start to fall again...

I don't even know where to start.

I didn't even check to see if there were classes today. I just didn't go.

I'm exhausted, still, after yesterday. I was so tired by the time we got back to the station that I had hope the noise in my mind would have quieted some and I could have gone to sleep, but, no. Nary reminded me, though, because I think I woke her up (even if she said she wanted a glass of water), that I still had some sleeping tablets... I woke up a bit after that, when her fib alarm went off, but I didn't get up, I just went right back to sleep (probably the drugs). I am really glad that I don't remember my dreams.

There is just too much shit to sort through all at once. I'm feeling really overwhelmed, and I don't *want* to deal with it. At the same time, I know I have come a long way in the last few months, becuase I don't feel like I *can't* deal with it.

I am very glad it is the weekend and I don't have to deal with people at school, too, right now. I like them, but I just think it would be more stress that I don't need at all.

I think I will take the time to relax, and try and work things out in my mind a little more befoe I write it down. I want to be a little bit calmer. I think that if I tried to do it now, it woudl still just make me more anxious. I haven't really felt right, or really been able to feel calm, since we came back out yesterday, but there is just so much going on that I can't sort out why. There are just too many sources of 'wrongness'.

I've been testy all day. Soon, I have to go down to the Center with Nary... I will miss classes tomorrow. I tolf my teachers by fib. I didn't want to deal with it.

Nary has been doing her best to keep my mind on other things.... And she has been doing a great job, mostly. But it is harder and harder not to think about as the time gets closer. Probably nothing will happen. But that would almost be dissapointing... I just want some answers. I want this over with. I wish I *knew* more about what will happen, but I have nothing to go by. Ilonka said I would be fine, but I don't know if she was just 8saying* that to make me feel better...

Soon enough, I'll know... And if I do this, this time, what about in the future? What about Earth...

It's daunting, all of it. But I have to do it.